It’s Monday, September 11th and I’m sitting in my home just north of Atlanta. It’s currently raining and we’re just hanging out at home, waiting for Irma’s cast offs. The kids are out of school today and tomorrow.
I’m about to make you feel a lot better about how weird you think YOUR family is.
Since we are discussing emergency preparedness, a year-old discussion was resurrected about what would happen if we were stuck for an extended time without food.
Over a year ago, I took the kids to Georgia’s Stone Mountain Park. While Jake (now 14) was up on the Sky Hike ropes course, I was sitting with his older brother Matt (15) and younger brother Eli (9) in a sandy area near a little stream. My kids are culturally literate. The youngest was making a wall. The oldest, of course, felt the need to call it a Trump Wall and teach his little brother about our then-presidential candidate.
I honestly don’t know how we moved into this, but somehow a discussion ensued about how we would survive if we were stuck out in the woods somewhere. Matt decided that if we needed to go all Donner Party, we should probably decide some things ahead of time – who would get eaten first?
Matt, of course, professed that he could not be eaten because out of all three of the children, he was the one most proficient in MacGyver-like survival skills. We needed him around to up our chances of survival. I agreed with this assessment.
He then proceeded to state that we should eat Eli, the youngest, since he would be easiest to catch and subdue. I had to step in here. “He’s the smallest. He’d be like Chinese food – we would eat him and then be hungry again an hour later.” I also pointed out that he’s probably a lot feistier and faster than his middle brother. Matt concurred.
Attention turned to me. “Look. You know you can’t eat Dad because we need him around. He knows how to fire a gun and he knows how to build things. And, really, if we need to repopulate an area, you need me around, too.” This prompted EWWW faces and loud “OKAY!”s so that I would not continue that line of reasoning in further detail.
This left Jake. The only one not in the discussion. This is like when you miss a meeting and get assigned the crappy job.
Jake is my most sedentary child, so he definitely would be the easiest to take over. He also does not offer much in the way of survival skills other than a willingness to do potentially dangerous things just to see what happens. The nail in his coffin, so to speak, is that he is the biggest of the three, thereby affording more for everyone. When he was small, he had the BEST cheeks, so now his brothers are professing that he should go first by virtue of his “cheek meat” alone.
While Jake is incredibly clever and hilarious, I had to admit that if we were looking at pure survival, eating Jake would probably be our best bet.
Jake returned from Sky Hike, cheerful. We quickly took care of that.
In true Jake fashion, though, he quickly recovered with a “whatever” and proceeded to tell us how he could outrun and outlast us all and we would be the ones in trouble. There are no self-esteem issues in that child. I’m going to miss him.
I’m just sharing this because I thought it could be like a public service, you know? Encouraging you to have those hard conversations with your family to make sure you have everything thought through in a true emergency.
At the very least, I have probably made you feel better about some of the conversations that you have had with your children. You’re welcome.